Carrie Prejean

Carrie Prejean

Hey World! Carrie Prejean Is Desperate For Your Attention Again! Ugh! But now Carrie Prejean is back! We can have a pretty girl being awful again! Hooray! This time Carrie Prejean has decided to be awful by suing the Miss USA organisers, claiming that they fired her because of her crackpot anti-gay beliefs instead of not doing anything she was told to. Carrie Prejean is suing for an undisclosed amount and – on the off-chance that she’ll spend it all on a house far away from all of humanity – we hope she wins.

This is true. Just look at the last Miss Universe competition. Carrie Prejean didn’t take part in it, and what was the most exciting thing that happened? Heidi Montag flailing around like a damp Britney Spears impersonator being tasered by a kind-hearted policeman, that’s what. But if Carrie Prejean had been in Miss Universe, it would have been a ball – maybe she’d have repeated her statement about how gay marriage was icky and wrong. Or maybe she’d have aced the Write A Threatening And Badly-Spelt Email To Your Superior round. Or maybe she’d have just got naked again.

The sad truth is, we’ll never know. We’ll never know because Carrie Prejean was sacked as Miss California precisely because of her spectacularly misjudged efforts to win over the audience by declaring gay marriage to be wrong and immoral, without realising that gay men are the only people who watch beauty contests now that the internet has started doing porn for free. At least that’s what Carrie Prejean says. And she’s suing the Miss USA organisers for their discriminatory behaviour towards her just because she happened to exercise free speech and tell all gay people that they made her want to throw up into a bucket, or whatever.

Dalene Kurtis

Dalene Kurtis

Playboy Playmate of the Year 2002 Dalene Kurtis thought taking a romantic vacation to Hawaii with her boyfriend, which many couples do was a great idea. That is, until he allegedly used her as a punching bag and then threatened to kill her. In light of what happened to Jasmine Fiore, this is even more chilling. Kurtis was granted a temporary restraining order earlier this month against an ex she claims pushed, punched and choked her during a recent trip to Hawaii.

The Playboy bunny claims the ex said he was "gonna kill [her]," "slit [her] throat" and that she's a "f**king whore." Basically, he went Chris Brown on her. Dalene then claims four days later he choked her until she couldn't breathe, stomped on her stomach, punched her, broke her finger, and spit in her face. That's when she (finally) called the cops and had him arrested. Kurtis was granted a temporary restraining order, which includes her two-year-old son. She's scheduled to be in court today to get the order made permanent. She hired attorney Ron Rale (Anna Nicole Smith's attorney in her battle with Howard K. Stern), who had "no comment" when we called about Kurtis' case.

Anand Jon Alexander

Anand Jon Alexander

Anand Jon Alexander, who’d previously featured on America’s Next Top Model as a fashion designer, was sentenced to between 59 years and life in jail for sexually assaulting seven girls as young as 14. Anand Jon Alexander might get the last laugh, however. Word is that never seeing sunlight, crapping into a metal bucket and being repeatedly stabbed by a paranoid schizophrenic murderer is so Fall 2009. That’ll teach us.

It takes a lot to appear on America’s Next Top Model and come off as even more desperately unpleasant than Tyra Banks but, by jove, it looks like Anand Jon Alexander has gone and done it. To be fair, it took a lot of effort – he had to absolutely destroy the lives of several young women to get there – but that shouldn’t detract from the glory of his prize, which happens to involve spending the rest of his natural life in prison. You may remember that Newsweek magazine once named Anand Jon Alexander as one of the top faces to watch in 2007.

Anand Jon Alexander was first arrested for rape in March 2007, and he was eventually indicted for a staggering 59 counts before finally being convicted in November of 16 counts of rape, sexual assault and other crimes. But before he was sentenced to between 59 years and life in jail yesterday, Anand Jon Alexander realised that – although he’d buttoned down his reputation as a fairly prolific rapist – he hadn’t quite nailed the paranoid conspiracy theorist persona that he’d been slaving over. Luckily, as the Los Angeles Times points out, he got there just in the nick of time: